You Never Even Called Me by my Name (Wherein I start out wistful and then go all the way off the rails)

Most good stories involve alcohol at some point, whether in the story itself or in the telling

Many years ago, a young man named Adolph (he was given the name before that other jackass ruined it for everyone) attended a wedding.  In his small, almost entirely German Catholic farm community, a wedding was less an intimate family affair and more an excuse to round up everyone who lived within 5 miles of the bride and groom for a party.  Young Adolph had a bit too much fun at that wedding, and drank quite a bit more dandelion wine than he should have.  He found himself in such a state that getting home was looking like a sketchy proposition, but luckily there was a solution at hand.

A woman at the wedding took pity on young Adolph, and loaded his drunken self into her wagon (yes, wagon, this was many years ago).  She returned him to his parents' house and left him, still stinking drunk, in their care.  That woman's name was Mag, and from that day forward the man who would become my Grandpa was Mag as well.  To me and my siblings, he was Gramp, to non-family my parents' age or younger he was still Adolph, but he was, and still is, Mag to a lot of people.

My mother's family is big on nicknames, mainly with the uncles but a bit for the aunts as well.  I knew that my uncle Big Boy was actually named Tom, same with Chips (Paul), and Boone (Dan), but Buck was always Buck, to everyone, never Dale.  My great-uncles, Mag's brothers, were the same way.  I don't remember them all (and may be adding one or two that I've just decided are real), but in addition to Mag, there was Honey, Junior, Brownie, and JoJo.  JoJo may have been a real name for all I know, but judging from the rest of the family I doubt it.  I'm thinking there was a Bootsie in there too, but can't say for sure as I'm working from memory instead of taking the time to properly research this.  I'd like to believe that there is a family bible somewhere filled with nonsensical names dating back to the mid-1800s, including Great-great-great-great-great grandpa WurstKopf, or something similar.

Wurstkopf translates as "sausage-head", and this is what you get when you Google it.

Nicknames aren't exclusive to my family, of course.  During my college years I remember going on a spring break trip with my friend Brian after not having seen him for a few months and learning that, well, he wasn't Brian anymore.  Some co-workers decided he should be Bernie, and damned if that one didn't stick.  To this day he IS Bernie to one and all, including his sisters, his dad, even his wife at times, to the point that I was just discussing his change of identity with his cousin (who was Fidget during high school, by the way) last week.  Some of the other guys on that spring break trip: Weasel, Fudd, Mick, Chuck, Dan and Primo.  Gold star for you if you know all those people, that means you probably grew up with me.  Dan was, like me, one of the few without a nickname, and of the rest, only Chuck and Primo have since reverted, in my mind at least, to their given names.

Joon, Dietz, Dar, Torch, Skip, Weeble, Bud, Strauss, Whitey, Weasel, Rudy, Bloach, Wags, Erf, Obie... I could probably go on for a while but will cut it short at that.  This is a sampling of nicknames that endure to some degree, possibly only in my mind, to this day.  As someone who never had anything approaching a lasting nickname, I've devoted far too much time to thinking about them, to the point that I have officially overthought them.

Does "The Man With no Name" count as a nickname?

The realm of nickname dynamics is, as far as I know, relatively unexplored and undefined, so I would like to propose a 5 point scale for rating nicknames.  I think there should be some agreed-upon standards for the scale, and here are my contributions, taken in no semblance of order:

• The more elaborate the required explanation for the name, the higher the baseline score.  "We call him Pants because he always wears pants." is just not going to score highly, ever, and Pants needs new friends.
• Shortenings or minor modifications to a person's real name shall result in a half point deduction.  Sorry, Bernie, it's a good nickname and you've grown to fit it perfectly, but it can never be awesome.
• If, however, a real name is bastardized into something funny and THEN the bastardization is shortened/modified, the half point shall be returned.  Pondo deserves to keep that half point.  Sorry if you don't get that joke.
• Names based on physical appearance may never receive a score higher than 3.5.  I know about 12 people who have some variation of Red as a nickname.  Any guess on hair color?
• Nicknames that are insulting to their owner score a 1.  That's not cool.
• Nicknames that were insulting at one time, but no longer are because the owner turned that shit around on the butts who started it, score a minimum of 4.
• Any nickname given to oneself is ineligible for consideration.  

Out. Both of you. Boats -n- Hos.

• Length of time nickname has been used, as well as percentage of friends and acquaintances who utilize nickname, shall be taken into account.
• Nicknames that would prevent the owner from getting a job if the full story is known will always score at least a 4.5.
• Nicknames containing either hashtags or emoji will get you a smack on the bottom.
• This is a totally arbitrary list/scale in all ways, and "Mag" will always win, but at least I kept it to one page.

While I feel like I'm probably too old to get a new nickname, I still hold onto some hope that I will.  To date, the best that's come down the line for me is DJ, which rates around a 1.2 and was given to me by my mom.  Maybe my Darryl Dawkins moment (Stevie Wonder gave DD the nickname "Chocolate Thunder", and that's an awesome nickname) is just around the corner.

Then again, it may be for the best that I'm just Doug.  I do know of a Fartsy back home, and I think something like that would just break me...